Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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