The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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