Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize