Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
