i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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