She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
