Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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