My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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