I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
