Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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