I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
