Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
