Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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