i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
