Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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