i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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