My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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