No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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