These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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