Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
