That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
