When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
