conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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