Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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