You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
