Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
