genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
