Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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