i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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