Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
