I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
