I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
