I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
