she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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