Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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