I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Someone shit on the floor
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
