Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
