sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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