i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize