When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
