Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
