well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
