I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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