this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize