We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize