Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
