I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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