weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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