is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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