Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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