Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
