A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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