I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
