my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
