remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
