Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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