I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
